Ode to the Nice Guys
This was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal.
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they¡’e at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due…And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. [heavens yes] Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Lady in Waiting: My Response to Nice Guys Finish Last
by: Melissa Montenegro
She’s been waiting all her life to meet a guy like you—the perfect man for her, her future husband, the future father of her children, her soulmate. She’s burned through cheaters and liars, wimps and losers and now she’s found you. And now she’s on a mission: To gain your attention and show you that she is your missing half. She starts off as sweet—but not too sweet, enthusiastic—but not too eager. She makes sure she always says hello when she sees you and says goodbye whenever she leaves the room that you’re in. Did you catch the subtle hints that she left in between the hello and goodbye? The way that she tipped her head, mirroring your own gesture, the way that she flipped her hair over her shoulder, the way she fixed your collar?
And do you remember the first time you called her and the way she answered on the first ring? Her heart was beating like mad, and she nearly dropped the phone because her palms were so sweaty. Sure, all you wanted was someone to eat lunch with and all your closest friends were busy. But you called her. She makes sure she covers every blemish, but she doesn’t want to look like she’s trying too hard and decides against the tube of Mocha Freeze lipstick. And when you meet her at the nearest deli, she handed you the bottle of ketchup before she even serves herself. You didn’t even have to ask for it. Did you notice how she passed you her extra napkins when you wiped at that stubborn glob of mustard on your chin? She offered to pay for her lunch, but you—being the gentleman that you are—wouldn’t let her pay a single penny, not even the tip. And did you catch a whiff of her Plumeria body spray when she hugged you and thanked you for lunch? She files away the scent of your Polo Blue into her folder of memories of you.
All of a sudden, the phone calls become regular and longer, a little more personal. There were even a couple of times when she stayed at home on a Friday night to talk to you when she could have gone out with her girls. She’s so happy, so excited to see your name on her Caller ID.
Then it happens. You tell her that you trust her with everything, that you can tell her anything. And you tell her that you need her advice.You want to know how to make a girl feel special. Now she doesn’t know what to think. A million emotions run through her mind: confusion, frustration, surprise. When did the other girl come into the picture?She knows everything about you. How could she miss this?And swimming among all those feelings is hope; hope that she may be the girl that you want to make feel special. She says that all a girl really wants and needs from a guy is attention. Candy and roses don’t mean nearly as much as a few minutes of precious quality time alone with you. You thank her and wish her a good night. She doesn’t tell you that she doesn’t want to say good night. Did you notice how she waited for you to hang up first?She didn’t want to say goodbye. She wanted to fall asleep to the sound of your voice.
But she sees how happy you are and puts on her brave face whenever you talk about your new girlfriend. She even throws in a few bits of advice so that you’ll have no idea that she’s crying inside. She tries her best to be happy for you. You appreciate the way she’s always there to give you advice on how to treat a lady. You offer to treat her out for ice cream. Even though she’s a sucker for mint chocolate chip, she respectfully declines, saying that she’s got other plans. Your phone conversations become shorter and time passes. But she still has hope. She still waits on you.
She wakes up to the sound of her cell phone. Through blurry eyes, she sees the neon green numbers floating in the darkness: 4:20 AM. She realizes that it’s you on the other line and worries that something may be wrong. She can tell you’ve been drinking.She hears you say, “She cheated on me. What do I do now?” She becomes angry. Didn’t that girl know how lucky she was? How dare she hurt you! “Shove her!” She doesn’t mean for the words to come out so violently. You reply with a laugh, “It’s not nice to hit girls.” She stays up all night and listens to you talk until she hears your voice wane off into deep breathing…You probably didn’t realize it, but she copies your breathing pattern and you fall asleep to the sound of her voice. She doesn’t hang up. She doesn’t say goodbye. She won’t leave you listening to the sound of a dial tone when you wake up. For a very brief moment, she considers her monthly cell phone bill and decides that you’re worth the minutes.
She stands by you through all the hard times and she sits with you at the ice cream shop to celebrate your high points. She lives through more of your girlfriends: the one who wasn’t good enough for you; the one who used you; the one that your buddies set you up with; and the worst of them all: the one that she can easily be friends with, the one who might be right for you. But they all come and go, convincing her even more that she and you are meant for each other. That’s why she’s there after every heartbreak, patiently waiting with open arms. She hopes that you’ll notice that time has made her a better person for you. And when you do, you’ll see that she’s always been there—waiting for you.
